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Angry Characters of Lemmy's Land

In an underground base several miles from Lemmy's Land...

Thwomp: Quiet, everyone, quiet. As the always grumpy president of this chapter of Angry Characters of Lemmy's Land-

Dr. Freezegood: Ahem!

Thwomp: Or ACOLL...

Dr. Freezegood: Thank you.

Thwomp: I bring this meeting to order.

Luigi: It's about time! I-

Thwomp: Please settle down, everyone will get a chance to speak. Following the last meeting, the chair recognizes Larry first.

Chair: No I don't!

Thwomp: Shut up.

Chair: Sorry.

Larry: I am sick and tired of the roles I get in Lemmy's Land! Half my roles are one or two liners in Roy's stupid battle write-ups, where I get made fun of and am wrong more often than not. The other half of my roles I get stuck with Susan or beat up. And the other half- aw, you know what I mean. The rest of the time I fill in when Lemmy needs someone to spy.

Thwomp: Geno?

Geno: At least you get roles, Larry. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to get a part in Lemmy's Land? Here I am, one of the most important characters in Mario RPG, perhaps Mario's best game ever, and when do I get to appear? Oh sure, I appeared in those two stupid stories where Smithy ended up being Master Hand, like a really believe that. A long time ago I was a Star Guardian along with Tourist Character The Mario Surfer, who, I'd like to add, still appears much more than I do.

Thwomp: Shy Guy?

Shy Guy: As long as we're talking about made up characters, how about we go back to what Larry was saying and talk about Susan? Sure, she's not really a Tourist Character because Lemmy made her, but she carries the weight of an official Mario character with him even though she isn't one. And she certainly appears more often than nearly all of us!

Larry: Yeah! Boo Susan!

Thwomp: No outbursts, please! Bagels?

Bagels: I'll admit I'm not a Mario character either; Lemmy made me up too. He promised he would make me really popular, but has he followed through? NO! I got a small role in A Waste of Time (Yours), but I don't think he used me in any of his other stories! Even Playful gets more roles than I do... some of the tourists like him, I guess.

Thwomp: Thank you for waiting, Luigi.

Luigi: While I appreciate the exposure I get in Lemmy's Land, I am really tired of the degrading roles. When's the last time I appeared and didn't have a bathroom emergency? There is no reason for these kinds of roles. I'm not depicted anything like I am in the games. Sure, maybe I nearly lost it in Luigi's Mansion but I never actually did, plus that game came out after the stupid running gag started. Really, I'm getting sick of it.

Thwomp: Mario?

Mario: I get terrible roles too. I always end up playing the fool, and shouldn't that be Lemmy's job? Lately all I can do is shout "I'm-a Mario" or even worse, "CHEESE!!!", even though I have never shown any interest in the latter in any of my games. It's really sad.

Thwomp: Morton?

Morton: I appear a lot I mean maybe more than any other Koopaling well besides Lemmy of course and maybe Wendy but anyway in my many many many roles all I get to do is talk and talk and talk and talk and-

Everyone Else: Because you always do!

Morton: Sorry. Uh, but my point is, my biggest role is shouting out "WEDDING CAKE!!!" all the time! That must be the longest running gag ever.

Dr. Freezegood: For the record, I would like to point out that the wedding cake gag was started on another site run by one of Lemmy's clones... or so Lemmy would like us to believe.

Thwomp: Thank you, doctor. Waluigi?

Waluigi: Just because Lemmy thinks my name is stupid, he has chosen to all but ignore me. Oh sure, I get roles, but I'm always depicted as being afraid of everything because I didn't appear until Mario Tennis and Wario appeared many years earlier. And whenever I challenge Lemmy, he shakes it off by saying he can't think that I'm stupid because he only gets one thought a day!

Thwomp: To- Oh, ok, Wario.

Wario: I'm not happy either! I get ok roles, but so few of them! Since I'm a double crosser Lemmy could never figure out whether I was a friend or a foe, so he basically ignored me. At least give me something to do!

Thwomp: To- Aw, I'm sorry Toad. I'm just going to have to give the floor to Captain Syrup.

Captain Syrup: Even though I'm the boss of some of Wario's games, which Lemmy does consider to be part of the Mario series, I have appeared, I believe, once, in an Interview not written by him. Since Lemmy has never played the Mario or Wario Land series, he just ignores all us Gameboy characters. Now is that wrong, or is that wrong?

Tatanga: I never even got so much as a speaking role!

Wart: Oh, I get roles! I get to be Susan's father. Big yay.

Thwomp: Thank you for being so patient, Toad.

Toad: Not a problem. What is a problem is the degrading roles I get, kind of like Luigi. I get roles alright, but I'm always cursing even though I'm as peaceful as can be in the games. When I go home after work I have to wash my mouth out with bars upon bars of soap. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? At least Lemmy should pay for them.

Thwomp: Bow-

Pokey: Sorry Thwomp, I just have to know if anyone has received their paycheck lately. Lemmy must be at least a month late with mine.

The room fills up with general mumblings of no check having been received.

Pokey: I guess no one's gotten a Christmas bonus either, huh? Tightwad.

Thwomp: Bowser?

Bowser: My roles aren't as bad as Luigi's or Mario's or Toad's, but I still get depicted as an idiot every time, as if I could hardly breathe if it weren't for Lemmy's brilliance. Is that any way to treat your father?

Thwomp: Doctor Freezegood, a complaint?

Dr. Freezegood: Yes, Lemmy promised to make me famous because he really liked me and no one knew my name, but I haven't appeared anywhere except in Roy's Sports Hall. I bet my name is still unknown.

Thwomp: Gaz?

Gaz: When's Roy gonna open up his Sports Hall to good guys as well as bad? We need exposure too!

Roy: When's Lemmy going to actually let me control my own section? I've been swamped with his demands, what with having to make room for his stupid Tourist of the Week and Larry's prediction and everything else. And I still can't do anything but punch people or have an attitude. He was writing a story in which I'd show a softer side, but of course he never finished it.

Thwomp: Goo-

Iggy: No, now just a second! I'm sorry to interrupt, everyone, but this is just too much! I'm supposed to be Lemmy's twin! I ought to be Lemmy's co-star for crying out loud! But Lemmy has all but forgotten that twin part. He sure knows who I am when he needs someone to get hurt though!

Thwomp: Goombario?

Goombario: Have I ever appeared in Lemmy's Land? Bow appears all the time, she even gets to beat up Lemmy! Lakilester gets some roles, and so do a few others, but what about me?

Dr. Freezegood: You do appear in Survivor II.

Goombario: Oh, yeah, that just makes everything better, now, doesn't it?

Thwomp: Daisy?

Daisy: I never appeared in Lemmy's Land until after Mario Tennis. Now I get the honor of appearing so that people can stare at me. How awful! I'll admit that Lemmy has weeded out some of the even more adult-themed submissions, but still.

Thwomp: Ok, Peach?

Peach: All I get to do anymore is fight with Daisy. If I'm lucky I get to be kidnapped. When do I get a good role?

Thwomp: Clubba?

Clubba: Daisy hinted at it, but we haven't even talked about the tourists! Sure, a few are ok. Rachelle writes some decent stories, and Smash did write an Interview trying to dispel some of those nasty rumors. But some of them are just terrible! If they're not sending in lousy submissions in the first place they're continuing those terrible running gags or, well this is rare, but occassionally one is genius enough to invent their own. And most of them are obsessed with their own made up stupid characters.

Thwomp: Koopa Troopa?

Koopa Troopa: I appear in just about every Mario game, but where do I appear in Lemmy's Land? Whenever Lemmy needs a henchman he picks a Hammer Brother.

Thwomp: I'm sorry to have to do this, but it's time to bring this meeting of Angry Characters of Lemmy's Land to a close.

Two Fists: Don't you dare! I've had a holly jolly time attending these 537 meetings, but when are we going to take some action here? I say we go on strike!

Many Characters: Strike! Strike! Strike!

Lakilester: No! You know Lemmy. He'll say, "The update must go on!", and then he'll hire extras to do our jobs. And they'll have no problem playing out lame roles.

Two Fists: Well we have to do something!

Bloober: Forget about that! First we have to figure out who is in with Lemmy. They're just as bad as he is!

Two Fists: What do you mean?

Bloober: Well, like Susan, for example. She gets all the good roles. She definitely is in with Lemmy, and should be punished along with him.

Buzzy Beetle: Punish Susan too? I dunno...

Spiny: Let's vote!

Bzzap: Yeah, Thwomp, let's have a vote!

Thwomp: Ok ok. On your keypads, press A if you think Susan is in with Lemmy and should be punished, or B if you don't think Susan is in with Lemmy and therefore shouldn't be punished.

Dr. Freezegood: Or C if you think Susan is in with Lemmy but shouldn't be punished anyway.

Thwomp: Right.

Everybody votes.

Thwomp: It's a unanimous vote. Looks like Susan's getting punished.

Watt: Bow! Bow is in with Lemmy too!

Goombario: Didn't I say so?

Thwomp: Fine, vote A, B, or C again.

Everybody votes again.

Thwomp: No one likes C, huh? Looks like Bow's getting punished.

King Boo: Serves her right. What about Ludwig?

Neville: Yeah! He appears whenever Lemmy needs a handy-dandy invention. Let's get 'im!

Thwomp: Let's vote again!

Everybody does.

Thwomp: Well, we get to punish four of 'em now!

Peach: Wendy!

Daisy: I agree! She gets all the good female roles to herself!

Big Bully: Yeah! Even I'd be willing to take a female role just to get a part!

Thwomp: Ookay, you know what to do!

Thwomp is right.

Thwomp: Ooh, we're gonna have fun tonight! We've got her too.

Boom Boom: Roy!

Roy: What?!

Boom Boom: You heard me!

Rezznor! Yeah Roy! You always get to beat up people, and whenever you get hurt you always manage to get revenge. You're with HIM!!!

Roy: No, I'm not! Honest! He makes me do these things! I'm really a nice guy!

Boom Boom: Liar!

Rezznor: Let's vote!

Thwomp: You heard the dino!

Everybody heard him.

Thwomp: Hmm... It's close, but Roy's not in with Lemmy.

Roy: To all of you who didn't vote against me, thanks!

Rezzor: Aw... Well hey, talking about dinos, what about Yoshi? I sure don't see him here!

Rex: Yeah, and he gets to appear often and eat stuff, just like in the games. I don't recall him ever being made fun of!

Dino-Torch: Yeah! Let's get 'im!

Thwomp: Let's vote again!

Everybody does.

Thwomp: Yoshi gets a punishment!

Piranha Plant: Can we get tourists too? If so, my vote's for Lord Seth!

Waluigi: Yeah, he nailed me with his stupid Test!

Thwomp: Why not? Let's vote!

Everybody votes yet again.

Thwomp: Let's just hope Lord Seth isn't actually invincible. We've got 'im!

Roy: Trust me, he's not. Hey, can we get Dave Phaneuf for beating me up? He hasn't apologized yet.

Thwomp: Is there a second? ... Ah well, vote anyway!

Everybody does.

Thwomp: Are you all as bloodthirsty as I am? Dave Phaneuf is on our list.

Morton: Let's get Lemmy's clone for starting the wedding cake gag!

Thwomp: I believe all of Lemmy's clones are already targets. Is there anybody else?

Koopa Troopa: Hammer Brother! I hate him! Let's get the whole family!

Thwomp: Sure, let's just say we all voted A, alright?

Sumo Brother: Hey, I don't want to get punished!

Thwomp: Well you should have picked B then. Is there anybody else?

Some characters look like they might call out a name, but no one does.

Thwomp: Very well. Now then, let's return to what the punishment should be. Are there any ideas?


Everybody: LET'S KILL THEM!!!

And so they did.