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Kootie Pie Rocks

Submitted by Hip

(There is no curtain this time so the title is just shown. It’s sometime in the evening in the Mushroom Kingdom. Cheatsy is climbing a ladder outside Princess’ castle and peeks in the window.)

Cheatsy: Hmm, those pesky Mario Bros. must be up to something really special.

(Inside, Toad, Mario, and Luigi are wearing tuxedos as Toad is helping Mario put his on.)

Toad: Pull in the pasta, Mario!

(Mario holds his breath and sucks in his gut so his tuxedo will fit. He lets it out and is fine.)

Luigi: I don’t see why we have to wear these dumb penguin suits!

Toad: The Princess is really counting on us! She’ll be all dressed up and want us to be too!

Princess (off screen): I’m ready!

(They look upstairs, see Princess dressed in some funky clothing, and gasp. Her shirt even says “Milli Vanilli” on it.)

Mario: That’s dressed up?

(Toad faints.)

Princess: Next stop, the Real World, New York City, and my favorite music group!

(Princess slides down the banister and lands in Mario’s arms.)

Princess: Hey guys, why so formal? We’re going to a Milli Vanilli concert, not a symphony!

Toad: Hee hee hee, sorry guys! I have a hard time figuring out the Real World’s weird customs!

Princess: It’s okay! The audience will be so busy looking at Milli Vanilli, they won’t even notice what you guys are wearing!

Cheatsy: A Milli Vanilli concert? I wonder what Kootie Pie is gonna say?

(Cheatsy climbs down the ladder and returns to Castle Koopa. Of course, Kootie Pie isn’t happy as she’s throwing stuff at Koopa and out the window.)

Kootie Pie: Why does that prissy Princess Toadstool get to go to a Real World concert, and not me? Aren’t you always telling us that you are the most powerful king there ever was, and I am your favorite, only daughter, hmm?

Koopa: Kootie Pie my sweet, ooh, uh precious, whoah, oh, uh, oh!

(Koopa dodges her stuff, including his throne, which breaks. He runs off but bumps into a suit of armor.)

Kootie Pie: Don’t try to get on my good side!

Cheatsy: What good side?

Kootie Pie: I wanna see Milli Vanilli!

(Kootie Pie throws a tantrum.)


Koopa: Yes Babycakes, you’ll not only get to see Silly the Willy-


Koopa: But you get to keep Filli Vanilli for your very own!

Kootie Pie and Cheatsy: MILLI VANILLI!

Kootie Pie: I get to keep them? For real, Daddykins? Too cool! I’ll have to go change!

(Kootie Pie runs off.)

Cheatsy: I can’t wait to see you pull this one off, King Daddykums!

Koopa: Not me, we, Cheatsykums! We’re pulling this one off! Fire up the doomship!

(In New York at an amphitheatre, a Milli Vanilli concert is about to start. Among all the screaming fans are Mario and co. Milli Vanilli walk onto the stage.)

Milli Vanilli: Hello, New York!

(Fab throws a rose into the crowd and Princess catches it. Mario and Luigi can’t stand the screaming and cover their ears.)

Mario: I never saw so many tonsils in all my life!

(Milli Vanilli starts to sing “Blame it on the Rain”.)

Mario: Hey, how come we don’t get this kind of applause when we do good plumbing?

(The doomship flies high above the amphitheatre and Koopa and Cheatsy are in the cockpit.)

Koopa: Blame it on the rain? Heh heh! Blame it on King Koopa! Ha ha ha ha ha!

(Koopa pulls a lever which causes the platform Milli Vanilli are on to start levitating as Rob reaches out to let a girl in the audience touch him. The girl stands on Mario’s head so she can reach his hand but gets a static shock from touching it. She falls and lands in Mario’s arms.

Girl: Oh, I’ll never wash my hands again!

(Milli Vanilli gets warped away along with the doomship and everyone gasps.)

Princess: Whoa, what an exit! Didn’t I tell you they were great?

(Koopa laughs and leaves.)

Princess: Oh no, it can’t be!

Mario: There’s only one sneaky, two-faced reptile who laughs like that!

Princess: This is terrible! Milli Vanilli have been Koopnapped!

(Mario hands the girl back to her boyfriend.)

Mario: If we get to Castle Koopa in time, maybe we can save them! Let’s warp!

(Back at Castle Koopa, Milli Vanilli have arrived as Kootie Pie walks up to them. She has put on a green dress.)

Cheatsy: Welcome to Castle Koopa!

Kootie Pie: Hi boys, I’ve been expecting you!

Fab: Hey, who’s behind this mondo bizarro joke?

Rob: We’ve got a concert to play!

(They walk off but Kootie Pie grabs them.)

Kootie Pie: Not so fast! You’re playing for me now! I really dig your dreadlocks!

(Kootie Pie fiddles with Rob’s hair and kisses him.)

Rob: Well I don’t dig tails and scaly lips!

Kootie Pie: I’ll have you know I am a ROYAL reptile and I command you to play a private concert for me THIS INSTANT!

Fab: And if we don’t?

(Kootie Pie pulls out her wand.)

Kootie Pie: I’ll turn you into, into, accountants!

Rob: Accountants?

Fab: That is a good one!

(They both laugh. Kootie Pie groans and zaps them with the wand. They turn into accountants, complete with business suits and haircuts.)

Rob: No!

Fab: We’re nerds!

Rob: We’re dweebs!

Fab: This is terrible! You turn us back to normal people right now!

Kootie Pie: Never! You have to do what I want!

(They try to escape but two Sledge Bros. block the exit, causing them to fall over.)

Kootie Pie: You’re stuck here in Dark Land forever! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! If you won’t do a concert just for me, I will turn you into beetles!

Fab: Great, who wants to be a band from the 60s?

Kootie Pie: Better yet, I’ll turn you into tattoos!

Rob: Hmm, never heard of them! Do they have an album?

Fab: Look Ms. Reptile, we can’t do the concert for you, we don’t have the backup band!

Kootie Pie: Then you’ll just have to stay accountants until you get one!

(Mario and co. have been spying through the window. Princess is still in her funky clothes but the others are back in their normal attire.)

Princess: If we don’t change those two accountants back to Milli Vanilli, I’ll never hear my favorite music again!

Mario: Don’t worry Princess! We’ll get in there and save Rob and Fab from Kootie Pie!

Luigi: We will? We will! Sheesh, how?

Mario: Hmm, how? You heard what Fab said; they need a backup band to give Kootie Pie her concert!

Toad: Gotcha Mario! It’s time to rock ‘n roll!

(Toad puts on sunglasses. Later, they pop out of warp pipe in the castle wearing rock star disguises, sunglasses, and instruments.)

Luigi: I just wish we had time to rehearse!

Toad: What good would that do? None of us knows how to play these things!

Mario: Hey, you got a better way to get into that throne room? Come on!

Kootie Pie: Is this a stall, or what?

Rob (with Fab’s voice): No stall, we can’t sing for you without a band!

(Mario and co. run in.)

Kootie Pie: King Dad, you should’ve brought me a band!

(Kootie Pie throws a tantrum.)

Kootie Pie: A band, a band, I want a band!

Fab: Oh, it’s the girl from the front row at our concert!

Princess: Your greatest fan! Shh, we’re here to help!

(Mario walks up to Kootie Pie and interrupts her tantrum.)

Mario: Hi, uh, we’re the famous traveling band called Backups ‘R We! Uh, do you know of anyone who might need our services?

Kootie Pie: Wow! I must be getting good at tantrums! This is the fastest result I’ve ever had! Oh, now I can get my personal private concert!

Princess: But who’s gonna sing with us? These two accountants?

Kootie Pie: They’re not accountants!

Princess: They look like accountants!

Kootie Pie: That’s all you know! They’re really Milli Vanilli!

Princess: Prove it!

(Kootie Pie zaps them back to normal.)

Mario: What’ll it be, fellow maestros?

Rob: How about, “Girl You Know It’s True”?

Mario: One and a two, and a-

(They start to play a really off key tune as Milli Vanilli do the best they can to sing with them. Kootie Pie closes her eyes and dances.)

Kootie Pie: Wow, groovy!

(Toad accidentally spins him drumstick too fast and it flies out of his hand.)

Koopa: Stop that awful n-

(The drumstick lands in Koopa’s mouth as he hears the music and runs off screaming and covering his ears along with everyone else in the castle.)

Kootie Pie: Cool, totally cool! No wonder they’re so famous!

(They keep playing and sneak out of the room.)

Princess: Quick, into the warp pipe before Kootie Pie comes out of her trance!

(They stop playing and run off.)

Mario: Yeah, time to get back to your Real World concert!

Kootie Pie: Whuh, huh? Hey, this is my concert! I will tell you when it’s over!

(Kootie Pie runs down the hall to Koopa, who is wearing earmuffs.)

Kootie Pie: King Dad! King Dad! My concert disappeared! If you don’t bring it back I’ll scream!

Koopa: So scream! It sounds better than that other noise!

Kootie Pie: If you don’t go after them, I’ll bring them back myself!

Koopa: No, not that! Unless you promise to forget about them I’m gonna put you in the dungeon!

(Koopa picks Kootie Pie up and she starts to scream.)

Kootie Pie: The dungeon? Okay I promise! After all, it would have ended sometime. That music was just too beautiful to last!

(Milli Vanilli have returned to the amphitheatre.)

Rob: You wouldn’t believe where we’ve been! But we’re back, thanks to some new friends!

(Mario and co. are now watching from backstage.)

Rob (with Fab’s voice): This one’s for a real princess! One and a two and a-

(They start to sing “Girl You Know It’s True”. Princess is just staring at them and ignoring Mario.)

Mario: Lights out, Princess. Er, uh, Princess? Maybe if we keep our band, we’ll be that popular!

(Mario, Luigi, and Toad shake their heads. Princess just stares at Milli Vanilli and claps her hands. The curtain falls.)

The Three Little Koopas

By Hip

Bowser walks into Iggy’s bedroom one night.

Bowser: Get to sleep!

Iggy: But I’m not tired!

Bowser: Then I’ll make ya tired!

Iggy: Yeah, sure! I’m gonna pull an all nighter!

Bowser: Did I ever tell ya the story of the Three Little Koopas?

Iggy: No.

Bowser: Fine then. Once upon a time, there was a mother Koopa who had seven children. Three of them were annoying as Lethal Lava Land, so she kicked them out.

Iggy: What are their names?

Bowser: You know their names! Morton, Roy, and Ludwig! So, they had to each build their own houses.

Iggy: Why don’t they just invade some people's homes and goof around?

Bowser: Cuz then this story would be called The Three Stooges!

Iggy: No it wouldn’t! Larry’s not even in it!

Bowser: Anyway, Morton decided to build his house out of wedding cake, so he could eat the walls if he got hungry. Roy decided to build his house out of padding so he could punch the walls. Ludwig built his house out of bricks cuz he couldn’t find any chocolate. So one day, Mario was in the forest near the houses. Mario wondered if anybody had some cheese spread. Mario walked up to Morton’s house and knocked on the door.

Iggy: How can you knock on a door made of cake?

Bowser: The cake was going stale, ya know!

Mario: Little Koopa, Little Koopa, give me cheese spread!

Morton: Not by the scar on my heady head head!

Mario: Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house to shreds!

Bowser: Mario tried to blow it up, but it didn’t work. So, Mario tossed a Bob-omb at the house and it blew up. Morton ran away to Roy’s house and Mario banged on the door even though it was padded.

Roy: Yeah, whadda ya want, plumber?

Mario: Little Koopa, Little Koopa, give me cheese spread!

Roy: Not by the sunglasses on my baldy bald head!

Mario: Then I’ll blow up your house with a Bob-omb instead!

Bowser: Mario threw a Bob-omb at the house but it bounced off and hit Mario. Of course, Big Mouth made fun of Roy, who then tried to punch him but missed and hit a wall, causing the house to collapse. They ran off to Ludwig’s house. Mario knocked on the door.

Mario: Little Koopa, Little Koopa, give me cheese spread!

Ludwig: Not by the hair on my heady head head!

Mario: Then I’ll have to use a Bob-omb instead!

Mario threw a Bob-omb next to the wall. It blew up but the house was still perfectly fine. Mario then decided to go down the chimney-

Iggy: Mario is such a Santa wannabe!

Bowser: Yeah, sure. Mario went down the chimney, only to fall down a pipe in the fireplace, which took him to the volcano of no return. The Koopas were happy. Mom phoned them and said they could move back in, but they’d have to bring her some cheese spread. The End!

Iggy: That was good. But I’m not tired at all!

Bowser: Well, pretend you’re doing chores!

Iggy falls asleep.

The Steps to Mushroom World Domination

Here are the following steps Bowser must take to gain total control over the Mushroom World.
1. Confiscate anything a Koopaling can use to wrap around Morton’s entire head (to keep his mouth shut of course!), handcuff his hands behind his back, and lock him in his closet.
2. Tell Ludwig to make a special poison that will kill Mario and Luigi after they eat it (takes five minutes to work).
3. Start a restaurant in the Mushroom Kingdom (oreferably an Italian food restaurant) and assign his servants to disguise themselves as Mushroomers and be restaurant workers.
4. Wait for Mario and Luigi to arrive with Peach.
5. Put the special poison in Mario and Luigi's food.
6. Have Lemmy shoot his Freeze Gun at the Mario Brothers. Make sure he is well hidden, the only Koopaling in the restaurant, and ready to freeze them as soon as the first one collapses onto his plate.
7. Have the workers grab Peach, and Bowser will run the people out of the restaurant.
8. Have the Koopa army come into the Mushroom Kingdom and take over. Bowser can return to his Keep and watch everything that happens through his MK Watcher Camera and he can tie Peach up in the dungeon and have Morton in there too because nobody wants to hear his talking and Peach will probably get lonely in there with nobody to TALK with.
9. Well, since Peach is tied up in the dungeon listening to Morton, and the Mario Brothers are dead from either the very high dose of poison, or suffocation, or frostbites, and The King is assassinated, I think that the Mushroom World is now successfully… uh... taken over.
10. Well, rule it of course, DUH!!!