(The curtain rises to reveal Grass Land. In Dark Land at Castle Koopa, Kootie Pie is whining and is throwing stuff out the window. Kootie Pie and Koopa are in a room full of presents, balloons, and streamers.)

Koopa: But Kootie Pie, we plundered the whole Mushroom Kingdom, to get you the best gift a Koopa could steal!

Kootie Pie: It’s not ENOUGH!

(Kootie Pie kicks her birthday cake out the window.)

Koopa: I know you’re a teensy bit upset, Kootie Pie.

(Kootie Pie continues her whiny tantrum.)

Koopa: Just tell King Daddiums what you’d really like for your birthday!

Kootie Pie: (stops whining) America!

Koopa: But Sweetums, America’s in the Real World!

Kootie Pie: I don’t care! I want America for my birthday! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT!

Koopa: Alright Babycakes, anything you say! After all, you are turning sweet 16.

(In the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario and co. are talking a walk.)

Princess: It sure is nice not to worry about the Koopas for a while!

Luigi: Yeah, when Koopa gives his kids a birthday party they stay Kooped up in Koopa Castle all day!

(The doomship aproaches.)

Mario: Oh no! It’s King Koopa’s doomship!

(A few cannonballs are fired from the ship, but they all miss.)

Princess: I’ll see if I can stall them while you guys run!

(Four Chain Chomps are dropped out of the ship. When they hit the ground they each bite one of Mario, Luigi, and Toad’s feet. The other one bites Princess’ dress. They all yell when they get bit.)

Kootie Pie: You’re just Princess Toadstool of the measly Mushroom Kingdom! I am going to be Empress of America! Aha ha ha!

(Koopa pats her on her head.)

Koopa: You really know how to make a daddy proud! Take ‘em to my dungeon!

Luigi: Our poor home country! We can’t even tell ‘em the Koopas are coming!

(In Washington D.C., the doomship comes out of a warp pipe in the clouds and flies over to the White House.)

Kootie Pie: Oh, there Daddy! There’s the castle of America’s President! They call it the White House!

(Koopa looks into the Oval Office with a telescope and sees the president yakking on the phone.)

Koopa: And the President is inside! Sledge Bros., warp the White House away to Castle Koopa!

(The Sledge Brothers fire a ray at the White House which levitates it into the air.)

Koopa: (through a megaphone) Attention America! Your new ruler, Empress Kootie Pie, has called her first press conference!

(Koopa and Kootie Pie are now on the White House lawn surrounded by the paparazzi.)

Kootie Pie: It’s time for a meaner, crueler, America!

Koopa: Read them your new laws, Babykins!

Kootie Pie: (reading out loud from a scroll) Law number one! Every kid in America must give me their toys! Any handsome boy who does not ask me for a date will be turned into a rock!

(Koopa uses his wand to turn some boys into stone.)

Kootie Pie: All the gold in Fort Knox will be melted down to make me a lifetime supply of charm bracelets!

(Some Paragoombas are putting gold into a machine at one end and charm bracelets are coming out the other end.)

Koopa: Yay Kootie Pie! Recite after me, America! I pledge allegiance to Kootie Pie, and to the repulsiveness for which she stands!

(Koopa sheds a tear. Back at Castle Koopa, Mario and co. are looking out the window in dungeon. Mario spots the White House, which is now outside the castle.)

Mario: Look, Luigi, there in the White House! That’s the President of the United States!

(The president is still on the phone, unaware of what’s going on.)

Princess: If we don’t get him and the White House back to the Real World, Kootie Pie will rule America!

Luigi: How can we help America when we can’t even help ourselves! They’ve got us triple guarded!

Princess: Leave it to me, Luigi!

(Princess walks up to a Fire Brother.)

Princess: Hey, that guy in the funny helmet told me his boomerang is more powerful than your fireball!

Fire Brother: He said WHAT?

Princess: So go ahead, let him call you a wimp!

(The Fire Brother spits a fireball at a Boomerang Brother’s boomerang and it catches on fire.)

Boomerang Brother: Yipes!

Princess: Are you going to let him do that to you?

(The Boomerang Bros. and Fire Bros. start fighting with each other.)

Princess: You’re not going to let him get away with that, are you? (to the gang) Quick, hold up your chains!

Gang: You mean these things?

Princess: Get over here, right into the crossfire!

(They all pick up the blocks the Chomps are attached to and let the chains get cut by fireballs and boomerangs. When the chains break, the Chomps let go and whimper off.)

Princess: Quick, run for it!

(They all run into a warp pipe and come out in front of the castle. The doomship flies over to the castle and Koopa pulls out his megaphone.)

Koopa: Attention Koopa Clan!

(The rest of the Koopalings look out of a window.)

Koopa: Your sweet sister, Kootie Pie, has finally found a birthday present that makes her happy!

Big Mouth: Give that bbbbrat a country and she finally stops nagging!

Koopa: I’m gonna keep her happy! I’ll put America’s ruler where he’ll never be rescued! At the bottom of the Mushroom Sea!

(Koopa uses the ray to levitate the White House over the sea and lets it fall in. The White House quickly sinks to the bottom. The President is still on the phone.)

Mrs. President (who's supposed to be Barbara Bush): Help! The President can’t swim!

(Mario opens up a chest on the shore which contains a Frog Suit.)

Princess: Hurry Mario! Once the White House hits bottom, America is sunk!

(Mario puts on the Frog Suit.)

Mario: Ribbit!

(Mario jumps in the water and the song “Do the Frog” starts. A Nanny Bloober spots Mario and it starts to chase him. Mario tricks her by swimming across some Note Blocks and lets one pop up and hit her. Mario then gets a Jelectro’s attention. It chases him for a while until Mario loses it in a set of pipes. Mario finally gets to the White House and knocks on the door. The song ends. Mrs. President opens it up for a second to let Mario in and quickly closes it as the place is starting to flood. Mario jumps onto a table.)

Mrs. President: Are you from the secret service?

Mario: Even better!

Mario takes off his Frog Suit.)

Mario: The Super Mario Bros. Super Plumbing Service! And what this place needs is a super drain!

(Mario has hooked up a bunch of pipes to a device. Mario turns a knob and all the water is drained, causing the White House to surface.)

Mrs. President: You’re a brilliant plumber, Super Mario! I know the President will recommend you to all our friends!

(Luigi, Princess, and Toad catch up in a boat.)

Princess: Mario!

Mrs. President: Oh my goodness! What’s going on?

Luigi: Koopa’s loading up the doomship for an attack on London, Paris, and yeesh, Brooklyn!

Princess: You and Luigi are the only ones who can stop the Real World from becoming Koopa’s World!

(Some Sledge Brothers are carrying crates aboard the doomship, which is parked outside the castle. Mario and Luigi are dressed up as Sledge Brothers and are hiding behind some crates.)

Luigi: Mario, are you sure these disguises will let us sneak aboard Koopa’s doomship?

(They start walking onto the ship.)

Mario: Positive! You’re my own brother, and even I don’t recognize you!

Sledge Brother: Putting on a little weight, aren’t you Mario?

(He stomps the ground, causing it to shake. They run off.)

Sledge Brother: Stowaways aboard! Stowaways!

(Some Sledge Brothers chase them around the ship and use ground shakes and their sledgehammers to try to stop them. They reach a cannon and stop.)

Mario: You hold them off while I get this flying battleship in the air!

(Luigi fires a few cannonballs at the Sledge Brothers while Mario runs into the cockpit. He pulls a lever and the doomship flies over to the White House. Mario is now at the ray.)

Mario: First, I’ll warp the White House back where it belongs!

(Mario fires the ray at the White House and levitates it into the warp pipe. The doomship follows. The White House is now teetering on top of the Washington Monument.)

Mrs. President: Mario, oh Mario! I hate to complain, Mario, but my husband can’t run the country under these conditions!

Mario: Don’t worry, Mrs. President! Next time, I’ll put the White House right where it belongs! Maybe I should’ve read the instructions.

(Mario starts to levitate the White House again. Meanwhile, Kootie Pie is still on the lawn, sitting on a lounge chair, relaxing while a Boomerang Brother is filing her toenails. The White House is about to fall on her. The
paparazzi runs off and Kootie Pie almost gets crushed.)

Kootie Pie: How dare you disturb the almost Empress of the entire Real World!

Mario: Forget it, Kootie Pie! We just brought the President back home!

Luigi: Heh heh, so you’re not even boss of America anymore!

Kootie Pie: LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

(Mario tosses a rope ladder down to Kootie Pie.)

Mario: Get up here, you’re going back to the Mushroom Kingdom!

Kootie Pie: I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! (starts crying) I’ll tell my daddy on you!

Mario: Don’t forget to tell him about this!

(Mario levitates whining Kootie Pie into the warp pipe and all the way back to the castle. The doomship goes back through the pipe and crashes into the castle.)

Luigi: Nice crash landing, Mario!

Mario: Yeah, it’ll be a long time before Koopa can warp anything else out of the Real World!

(They jump off the doomship as Koopa looks at his broken doomship.)

Koopa: Oh no! My doomship, ruined!

Kootie Pie: It’s all your fault! You let the Mario Bros. capture us! You let them warp me home! You let them save America!

Koopa: If you don’t stop that whining right now...

Kootie Pie: But daddy dear!

Koopa: Go clean your room!

(Koopa stomps the ground, causing the room to shake.)

Kootie Pie: Are you telling moi what to do?

Koopa: And you'd better do it! (STOMP) Stop pinching your little brother! (STOMP x2) Don't be a brat! Turn down your stereo! (STOMP x3)

(Mario and co. are listening from outside.)

Mario: Well, it sounds like Koopa’s finally giving Kootie Pie, the present she deserves!

Koopa: Pick up your socks! (STOMP) Close the door! (STOMP) Get off the telephone! (STOMP)

(Curtain falls.)

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