Never Koop a Koopa

Submitted by Sanchez

(Mario, Luigi, Princess, and Toad are eating pasta outside, when Mario flips around and sees King Koopa and his kids marching towards them, holding a white flag.)

Mario: Impastable! King Koopas throwing in the towel?
 
Koopa: Princess Toadstool, you're far too clever for a reptile such as me... a lowly, humble-

Toad: Stupid, ugly, twofaced...

Mario: Yeah Koopa, tell us something we don't already know.

Koopa: I'm calling it quits.

Princess: *gasp*

Koopa: Me and my Koopalings are leaving the Mushroom Kingdom forever! I feel so bad I have caused you so much trouble. I just hope you have it in your heart to forgive me. I know this will not make up for all the misery I have caused you, but I want you to have this: the key to Castle koopa.

(Koopa gives Princess the key.)

Koopa: I'm donating our ex-home to charity. Say goodbye, kids!
 
(They all wave goodbye, then they all disappear down a pipe.)
 
Princess: Castle Koopa! I can turn it into a retirement home for elderly Mushrooms!
 
Toad: Oooh, remind me never to grow old!
 
Luigi: It's a trap Princess, throw that key away and forgot that evil place ever existed!
 
Princess: But there are so many old people in my kingdom who need a nice place to live. Ah, I'm going to take a look at it right now.
 
Mario: You worry too much Luigi, I'll walk along and protect her. How dangerous can Castle Koopa be?
 
(They soon arrive at the door of Castle Koopa.)
 
Princess: Just a little sproosing up, and this place will be real homey.
 
(A skeleton falls from the top of the door.)
 
Princess: Uh, with a little work, of course.
 
Mario: I'll go first.
 
(They walk past various vain pictures of the Koopa Kids before coming to one of King Koopa. Mario thinks that the picture's eyes are following him.)
 
Princess: Ugh, that picture will be the first thing to go, it's as ugly and repulsive as King Koopa was in person.
 
Thwomp: Now that you've been invited to Castle Koopa, take this!
 
Princess: Aah!

(Thwomp falls.)
 
Thwomp: Rats! I missed! Ooh, I hate it when I miss!
 
(It chases them down a hall to two Ptooies.)
 
Mario: Look out! a Ptooie!
 
Ptooie: Ptooie to you too, Mario!

(They spit spiked balls at Mario and Princess. Mario hits them back.)
 
Ptooey Oh, you make me so mad, I could spit!
 
Mario: Some retirement home!
 
Princess: Gee, which way back to the door?
 
(They fall through a trap door and land in a dungeon.)
 
Mario and Princess: Whoa!
 
Koopa: We have guests, Cheatsy! I hope they like our newly remodeled accommodations. Got an "A" rating, "A" for Awful! Ha ha ha!
 
Princess: I should have known not to trust you!
 
Mario: Yeah, once a sewer breath slime wagon, always a sewer breath slime wagon.
 
Koopa: How nice of you to say so! Now my boy, let me give you some more lessons in how to lie and cheat.  First, you tell them a big lie to get them in your clutches, then you squeeze them for the big pay off!
 
(Cheatsy is dancing to his walkman music. Koopa rips it off him.)
 
CheatsyL Dad!
 
Koopa: King Dad to you, now pay attention! Watch me koop these doops out of the Mushroom Kingdom!
 
Princess: The Mushroom Kingdom?! Never!
 
Koopa: Sign here and your kingdom will be mine!
 
Mario: Save your bad breath, Koopa!
 
Koopa: If you don't you two will be forced into early permanent retirement here in my dungeon! Ha ha ha!
 
Princess: I'll never sign my kingdom over to you!
 
Koopa: No? Well let me add some incentive!
 
(He pulls a lever. Bob-ombs start to fill up the dungeon.)
 
Mario: Bob-ombs! Next to Koopa himself, they are my most unfavorite things!
 
Koopa: See Cheatsy? They have no choice! They have to meet my sneaky demands or my hot-tempered little friends will explode! Ha ha ha!
 
Toad: They've been in there too long, Luigi. Looks like someone'd better go in and see what happened.
 
Luigi: But the only way in is through the drain pipe.
 
Toad: I agree, Luigi. Come get me when-
 
(Luigi grabs his arms.)
 
Toad: Hey! Us Mushrooms get all gross and soggy and-
 
(They dive underwater to a drain pipe. Meanwhile in the dungeon...)
 
Cheatsy: I like your big bang theory King Dad!
 
Koopa: Thanks son. See, to be a real big cheat, you have to double trick, double deal, and double cross!
 
Cheatsy: Double cross, huh?
 
Koopa: The sneakiest, dirtiest, rottenest way you can find. Got it?
 
Cheatsy: Got it, King Dad!
 
(Luigi and Toad come up through the floorboards to be met by two Sledge Brothers.)
 
Luigi: Ooh, a Sledge Brother!
 
(They try to get away but are thrown into the dungeon.)
 
Koopa: Good work! Back to your posts! Now Princess, two more of your friends will meet an explosive fate.
 
Princess: Will your court photographers be there if I sign over the kingdom?
 
Koopa: Of course! It's the photo opportunity of my life!
 
Princess: Then I'll do it on two conditions: that you move us to the throne room, and that you change that tacky outfit.
 
Koopa: While I get pretty, you take her to the throne room.
 
Cheatsy: Thanks for the cheating lesson, King Dad!
 
Koopa: One day my boy, you may just as big a cheat as I am!

(Koopa exits.)
 
Cheatsy: Not one day, King Dad! Just watch me following your dirty footsteps! Guards!
 
Mario: (in wardrobe with Luigi and Toad) Let us out, you sneaky Koopaling. Let us out! Let us out! LET US OUT!
 
Cheatsy: Sign the kingdom over to me, or your pals go back for a Bob-omb party.
 
Princess: (sarcastically) Oh, I guess I have no choice.
 
(Princess turns around and signs the document.)
 
Princess: There!
 
Cheatsy: The Mushroom Kingdom is mine, mine! Ha ha ha! I can't wait to tell Dad that I double crossed him!
 
Princess (speaking into wardrobe): Get ready guys, I, um, the Sledge Brothers are breaking you out of here!
 
(Princess picks up Cheatsy's lamp and brakes it. Sledge Brothers come and break them free. The song "Gettin' Burned" starts for a short version.)
 
Toad: If we could only fly, we'd be out of here!
 
Mario: Not a bad idea! Maybe we can find a Super Leaf!
 
(Mario starts to bash blocks. Camera switches to the throne room. Photographers are lined up along a red carpet. Koopa walks down towards the throne. Cheatsy comes up behind him, trips him up, and jumps on the throne. Koopa gets up.)
 
Koopa: Whoa! Get off my throne, you ugly upstack!
 
Cheatsy: Careful King Dad, I mean, ex-King Dad, I'm the new king of Mushroom Kingdom, see?
 
(Koopa sees the document and Cheatsy takes Koopa's crown.)
 
Cheatsy: 'Course, since you gave me the idea to cheat you out of it, I'll make sure you get a cushy assignment. Say, cleaning the royal stables?
 
Koopa: You nincom-koop!
 
(Koopa takes back the crown.)
 
Cheatsy: Hey! That's mine!
 
Koopa: No, it's mine you double crossing dodo! Look!
 
(Cheatsy gasps. There is a stupid face drawn where the signature should be.)
 
Koopa: The princess didn't sign the scroll for you, but I'll make her sign it for me! Where are the prisoners?!
 
Cheatsy: Um, locked in my room.
 
Mario: (outside, flying with others with Raccoon power) Not anymore!
 
Koopa and Cheatsy: Huh?!
 
Toad: Bye, Koopa!
 
Koopa: Guards! Guards!
 
Mario: Give it up, we already flew the Koopa!
 
(They fly away. Koopa turns back to Cheatsy.)
 
Koopa: *angry mumbling* It's all your fault, you dirty, cheating double crosser!
 
Cheatsy: But King Dad, you should be proud of me! I was only doing bad like you taught me!
 
Koopa: Stand still! I didn't give you the whole lesson! *angry mumbling*
 
(Koopa chases Cheatsy around the throne.)

The End

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